Thailand is cool now
L. Khonsuwon
Albuquerque, NM
When I was growing up, there were hardly any Thai immigrants. Heck, there weren't many Asians at all! I was called chink, jungle baby, told to stop speaking my jungle language, stop speaking that ching chong, Buddhist were going to hell, our food was weird and smelled bad… Up until the rise of Asian Hate, I thought it was normal to have white people in my life who hated my Thai-ness. I even had a friend who would tell me how ugly Thai clothing was. She even went on to say that my culture was a wall. I used to be with a partner who felt so fragile whenever I wanted to share my Thai side that he would say I thought I was better than him and being Thai made me an elitist. One of my previous bosses would tell me that my eyes weren’t slanty enough to be Asian. Once when I was in college, I had a bank teller kick me out of the bank for not speaking English (English is my first language) . And I can remember being around 9 years old and a group of white boys were spitting on me calling me Japanese and Chinese. I have over 40 years of racial trauma. Since there weren't many resources or information about racism, I honestly felt like others were my gatekeeper of my identity, that I was in the wrong for being upset if someone was being racist towards me (or my family and friends) and that I didn't belong. So for years, it felt safer to not share my Thai side with anyone who wasn’t Asian. It was safer to censor who I am.
Then there are the trendy travelers who go to my motherland. It’s hip to like Thai people, Thai food and Thailand now? When did that happen? I feel so glad but also not convinced it’s sincere. It just feels like it’s fashionable to go to Thailand/SE Asia so it can be a “cool” post for social media. Most of the time, I see folks going to Thailand, they aren’t doing anything actually Thai! They are partying, polluting the ocean/land, disrespecting our temples and being obnoxious. Sadly, most tourists are exploiting the women and children for their gross fetishes. And I’m supposed to feel happy they are spending their money in Thailand? Although I am really stoked to have Thai restaurants and temples now. Didn’t have that as a kid or even through my 20’s.
So my Very Asian Feelings are layered. Thankfully now, I know my culture, know who I am, and feel more empowered to be authentically Isaan Thai publicly. It’s rad to have so many people know about Thailand now, to have more temples and restaurants here. You’ll definitely see me wearing Thai clothing publicly now too. However, I do harbor a lot of pain for being Asian in this country. Often, I forget how much pain I have. Being asked about my Very Asian Feelings requires me to dig deep to still ask myself “what am I really feeling” vs “ what should I say to make others comfortable”? I feel proud, sad, embarrassed, happy, pain, rage, confusion, scared, hope and joy.